Too many months

Too many months of treatment. Cocktails of chemo, Avastin and Decadron (nasty-ass steroid). There is no way that after close to 2 years straight of one cocktail or another the body isn't exhausted. Bad cells & good cells being attacked. Mental health being challenged. Consistently stable MRIs yet still more treatment. Why?? Symptoms keep worsening despite the many, many stable scans. Makes no sense. And raises many questions: is the treatment actually doing more harm than good? Is one of the drugs "masking" the MRI scans? Could the steroid be making certain symptoms worse since it just Loves to mess with muscles? So many questions, yet so few answers.
I like logic. I like answers. And I like respect. Doctors do not have all the answers-this I know. And although I don't have the privilege of using the prefix "Dr." before my name, I've been part of the brain tumor world for 7 years. Seven years of obsessively researching, reading, questioning. So when I ask questions-please do not dismiss me because we don't share a prefix.
And when I raise concerns about the health of the person I love with my whole heart, the person who I watch closely for any new developments, the person who I jump to make modifications to daily living for in order to minimize his frustrations, the person You only see every other month for 10 minutes at a time...so yeah, when I raise concerns and questions, do not dismiss me.
My concerns were correct. My confidence in you gone.
All the frenzy that followed my dismissed concerns turned out to be a good thing. New team of doctors established, long term steroid use complications controlled, intense physical therapy coordinated. All very good things.


My own self had to be put aside for a few weeks. Marathon training week 1 didn't happen, then week 2 didn't happen. And so on. Now with 99 days or so until marathon Sunday, I am so far behind in training that it wouldn't be safe. I cannot risk injury right now. I also truly don't know how I could fit the training in. It's even harder when there are two kids in the mix. I got teary eyed when writing the email stating I couldn't run the race this year and I got teary when I had to hit the big, red CANCEL ENTRY button. I have been told that right now, this all is my own personal marathon. I suppose-it's just minus the sneaks. And there is no medal for keeping shit together.

I don't like asking for help so I am very thankful to all the people who just started doing things. No matter how big or small, I am so thankful.