NERVES!

Damn it. I do not like feeling this nervous. I wish I was the kind of person who could take this nervousness and turn it into positive excitement. But I am a worrier. And a doubter.
I know I've been training...and I know I've tackled the long runs. I also know I could've done more with my shorter training runs...but I'm a new runner. I haven't learned how to make running my priority just yet.
I'm tired from work, being a mommy, keeping up the house (even though Chris & I both take care of "chores"). Chris also offers to take care of more so I CAN go straight out for a run. But again - I'm not good with this. I'm a guilty mom who leaves really early for work and feels like I'm the absent parent most days. So going for a run first thing after I walk in the door makes me feel like I'm even more absent. Excuses? No. Just reality.
But now we're in the final countdown and I'm worried that because I don't know how to put myself first EVER, everything will backfire.
This marathon is on my thoughts at all times these days. I wake up with my jaw hurting because I've been clenching & grinding my teeth all night. I randomly get butterflies in my stomach out of the blue. I burst out crying last night while washing dishes.
I feel like I'm out of my league here.
HOWEVER...there is something deep inside me that knows I will fucking finish this. And my slow ass is still getting it done. I will be crying. I will be freaking out. But I will get. it. done.
I will learn something about myself. I will also learn what things I need to change about myself. Or work harder at for my next race - whichever that will be.
I'm belly breathing to calm me down. I'm visualizing the medal around my neck. And I'm trying so so hard to just calm down instead of wasting precious energy on worry and doubt.
I'm trying to get to the "place" I got myself to when I was in labor with Sean. I had a minor meltdown before we left for the hospital...thinking that I'm ruining Marley's life as an only child, how could I not think of her, I'm a horrible mother, etc. But on the way to the hospital something happened. The panic left. I was calm. So totally calm. I went through all those hours of labor - riding out the contractions - with determined focus. And I made it through with no problems.
I need to get to that place...only I'm not sure how I got there.