Damn it. I do not like feeling this nervous. I wish I was the kind of person who could take this nervousness and turn it into positive excitement. But I am a worrier. And a doubter.
I know I've been training...and I know I've tackled the long runs. I also know I could've done more with my shorter training runs...but I'm a new runner. I haven't learned how to make running my priority just yet.
I'm tired from work, being a mommy, keeping up the house (even though Chris & I both take care of "chores"). Chris also offers to take care of more so I CAN go straight out for a run. But again - I'm not good with this. I'm a guilty mom who leaves really early for work and feels like I'm the absent parent most days. So going for a run first thing after I walk in the door makes me feel like I'm even more absent. Excuses? No. Just reality.
But now we're in the final countdown and I'm worried that because I don't know how to put myself first EVER, everything will backfire.
This marathon is on my thoughts at all times these days. I wake up with my jaw hurting because I've been clenching & grinding my teeth all night. I randomly get butterflies in my stomach out of the blue. I burst out crying last night while washing dishes.
I feel like I'm out of my league here.
HOWEVER...there is something deep inside me that knows I will fucking finish this. And my slow ass is still getting it done. I will be crying. I will be freaking out. But I will get. it. done.
I will learn something about myself. I will also learn what things I need to change about myself. Or work harder at for my next race - whichever that will be.
I'm belly breathing to calm me down. I'm visualizing the medal around my neck. And I'm trying so so hard to just calm down instead of wasting precious energy on worry and doubt.
I'm trying to get to the "place" I got myself to when I was in labor with Sean. I had a minor meltdown before we left for the hospital...thinking that I'm ruining Marley's life as an only child, how could I not think of her, I'm a horrible mother, etc. But on the way to the hospital something happened. The panic left. I was calm. So totally calm. I went through all those hours of labor - riding out the contractions - with determined focus. And I made it through with no problems.
I need to get to that place...only I'm not sure how I got there.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Week 14 DONE
Done Done Done. 20 freakin' miles. Unbelievable!! It was pretty uneventful though - I found myself moving slower than usual...but I think this was because I was bored. My music wasn't entertaining me...the wind was just annoying me...I was alone on the same route I always take. The boredom was the worst of the day. My foot held up nicely with the moleskin padding, lots of lube and looser shoelaces. My hamstring on the other hand was tight but nothing I couldn't handle.
I tried to follow coach's advice and find a "happy place" but I couldn't focus on anything. I started planning what I would pack in the backpack that Chris is going to meet me with after the finish line...and I remembered that I wanted to let me friends & family who are coming to cheer know that they should wear something red...and to wear sneakers in case they need to hop the barricade to give me a pep talk. I found myself singing out loud and then I felt like a freak so I stopped.
I did pass someone who must've been training too since I saw him when I was around mile 7...then I saw him again when I was at mile 17.5 and close to tears. He however, was running uphill at a good clip and did not have a look of pain or fighting back a cry. Damn.
And, as usual, my path crossed with the asshole who I see every single weekend and he still refuses to acknowledge me. I say good morning to him every weekend..and every weekend I get ignored. He's in his mock turtleneck tucked into running tights and he run/shuffles with a stick. This totally amuses me because the neighborhood I see him in is totally suburban so it's not like he's fending off wild dogs or thugs. So again, I see him this morning and get ignored. Then around mile 7 I stopped for a quick pee break and Chris told me I smelled RANCID. Thank you - I love you too :) Anyway, I see this guy again when I'm around mile 9...we happened to turn onto the same street heading in the same direction and he was going slower than me so I had to pass him. I decided to pass close by so he could get a nice whiff of eau du body odor. Gave me a moment of satisfaction.
Later - when I was around mile 15, I was in the urban area I run through. I run through 2 different towns and they range from sprawling properties in what long ago was farm land...to regular suburbia on postage stamp lots (where I live) to a little ghetto. So I'm in the ghetto area and coming towards me on the sidewalk is a quite intimidating guy with tons of gold chains, sagging jeans, big Northface jacket concealing a weapon perhaps, and what does he do...says, "Mornin' - how you doin?" My response was, "Crappy" which made us both chuckle.
I'm drawn by the differences in these people and how they interact with others. Perhaps thats why my major was Sociology.
I'm looking forward to tapering - I'll tell you that. I don't know about this distance. Perhaps I'm more of a 1/2 marathon runner. I COULD enter the lottery for the NYC 1/2 in March...and really work on improving my speed. Or I could take a break until the spring and then sign up for some races then. I just don't know what the future brings with me & running. I AM going to start riding my bike again...I'm kind of interested in the women's only mini triathlon down the shore but that means swimming in the open waters. Jaws could be out there....which is another way of me saying that although I can swim, I don't know if I can swim THAT well. My gym offers a triathlon swimming course so maybe I could sign up for that over the winter.
I tried to follow coach's advice and find a "happy place" but I couldn't focus on anything. I started planning what I would pack in the backpack that Chris is going to meet me with after the finish line...and I remembered that I wanted to let me friends & family who are coming to cheer know that they should wear something red...and to wear sneakers in case they need to hop the barricade to give me a pep talk. I found myself singing out loud and then I felt like a freak so I stopped.
I did pass someone who must've been training too since I saw him when I was around mile 7...then I saw him again when I was at mile 17.5 and close to tears. He however, was running uphill at a good clip and did not have a look of pain or fighting back a cry. Damn.
And, as usual, my path crossed with the asshole who I see every single weekend and he still refuses to acknowledge me. I say good morning to him every weekend..and every weekend I get ignored. He's in his mock turtleneck tucked into running tights and he run/shuffles with a stick. This totally amuses me because the neighborhood I see him in is totally suburban so it's not like he's fending off wild dogs or thugs. So again, I see him this morning and get ignored. Then around mile 7 I stopped for a quick pee break and Chris told me I smelled RANCID. Thank you - I love you too :) Anyway, I see this guy again when I'm around mile 9...we happened to turn onto the same street heading in the same direction and he was going slower than me so I had to pass him. I decided to pass close by so he could get a nice whiff of eau du body odor. Gave me a moment of satisfaction.
Later - when I was around mile 15, I was in the urban area I run through. I run through 2 different towns and they range from sprawling properties in what long ago was farm land...to regular suburbia on postage stamp lots (where I live) to a little ghetto. So I'm in the ghetto area and coming towards me on the sidewalk is a quite intimidating guy with tons of gold chains, sagging jeans, big Northface jacket concealing a weapon perhaps, and what does he do...says, "Mornin' - how you doin?" My response was, "Crappy" which made us both chuckle.
I'm drawn by the differences in these people and how they interact with others. Perhaps thats why my major was Sociology.
I'm looking forward to tapering - I'll tell you that. I don't know about this distance. Perhaps I'm more of a 1/2 marathon runner. I COULD enter the lottery for the NYC 1/2 in March...and really work on improving my speed. Or I could take a break until the spring and then sign up for some races then. I just don't know what the future brings with me & running. I AM going to start riding my bike again...I'm kind of interested in the women's only mini triathlon down the shore but that means swimming in the open waters. Jaws could be out there....which is another way of me saying that although I can swim, I don't know if I can swim THAT well. My gym offers a triathlon swimming course so maybe I could sign up for that over the winter.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Week 13...
OK - for starters, my recovery week from that nasty stomach bug was not too bad. My stomach was really sensitive though on Monday & Tuesday so I couldn't eat much - which didn't help me regain any energy. If I bent over a certain way to pick something up or put something down my legs would wobble. By Wednesday though I felt much better so I went out for a run...felt good to get out. Legs felt good too.
My watch on the other hand did not do so well. "Memory Full" would flash whenever I tried to start the timer - how is that possible when I had deleted all activities?? After my run, I read through the manual and learned there is a system reset - tried that, all looked ok until I tried to use my watch at school on Friday. I was running with my 7th grade class during their gym period - and this week the run was going to be outside so I wanted to clock the distance of the laps they had to do. I get started, hit start and again "Memory Full". Damn it. After working my way through a ridiculously long menu...and then sitting on hold for 30 minutes I finally get to a live person who in less than 5 minutes - walked me through doing a more intense reset.
SO....for my long run this week I opted to run last week's mileage which was 12 miles. Is this going to set me back? No - since I screwed up plotting out the training schedule. On Coach's training spreadsheet I typed in date ranges next to each week of training. The thing is, I missed an entire week of October somehow when doing the plotting. Which means - I have an entire extra week of training I can do! SO I did last week's - next weekend will be a 20 miler. I'm already a little anxious about it - I will be aggressively hydrating all week...and will make sure I'm eating properly (I've been on a SUGAR kick the last 3 days - no clue why). I can do this.
I also wanted to talk about the 50/50 we had at Crossroads. First of all, they were so great in allowing us to hold this there. I've known them for a LONG time (since 3rd grade according to Mrs. Frankel) so it was nice to see familiar faces there. And there were bands playing already so we were just an add on which was great because no money had to come out of our pockets to host the raffle there. We were able to bring in $250 - of which $125 went to the winner (a guy who bought just one ticket!)...and $125 went to Team McGraw. This is great considering we didn't really do anything except have a few beers with friends. We took turns making a quick walk through of the place offering tickets but we also had a table set up so people could come to us...and we could catch people on their way into the bar too. Next year (I say this with the assumption that I will survive this year's marathon and want to do this lunacy again) I think we could put more effort into it and really make some $$. McGovern is going to try to set something up at Molly Maguire's so that should be great too.
The unbelievable task of training for and running a marathon AND raising money for brain tumors - which everyone already knows or quickly learned that is a situation that Chris & I were thrown into 4 years ago - is SO SO important to me. This is seriously the biggest thing I've ever done. I'm obsessed with it - I live it, breathe it, eat it, sleep it. And what's amazing to me is that during this time I have learned of the unbelievable support from friends, family, strangers, and people who I haven't spoken to since high school!!! Unfortunately, with be the amazing support also comes some let downs but you know what - that's not my problem, it's theirs.
Until next week which I'm sure will include some serious potty mouth..."Ya Gotta Believe"!!!
My watch on the other hand did not do so well. "Memory Full" would flash whenever I tried to start the timer - how is that possible when I had deleted all activities?? After my run, I read through the manual and learned there is a system reset - tried that, all looked ok until I tried to use my watch at school on Friday. I was running with my 7th grade class during their gym period - and this week the run was going to be outside so I wanted to clock the distance of the laps they had to do. I get started, hit start and again "Memory Full". Damn it. After working my way through a ridiculously long menu...and then sitting on hold for 30 minutes I finally get to a live person who in less than 5 minutes - walked me through doing a more intense reset.
SO....for my long run this week I opted to run last week's mileage which was 12 miles. Is this going to set me back? No - since I screwed up plotting out the training schedule. On Coach's training spreadsheet I typed in date ranges next to each week of training. The thing is, I missed an entire week of October somehow when doing the plotting. Which means - I have an entire extra week of training I can do! SO I did last week's - next weekend will be a 20 miler. I'm already a little anxious about it - I will be aggressively hydrating all week...and will make sure I'm eating properly (I've been on a SUGAR kick the last 3 days - no clue why). I can do this.
I also wanted to talk about the 50/50 we had at Crossroads. First of all, they were so great in allowing us to hold this there. I've known them for a LONG time (since 3rd grade according to Mrs. Frankel) so it was nice to see familiar faces there. And there were bands playing already so we were just an add on which was great because no money had to come out of our pockets to host the raffle there. We were able to bring in $250 - of which $125 went to the winner (a guy who bought just one ticket!)...and $125 went to Team McGraw. This is great considering we didn't really do anything except have a few beers with friends. We took turns making a quick walk through of the place offering tickets but we also had a table set up so people could come to us...and we could catch people on their way into the bar too. Next year (I say this with the assumption that I will survive this year's marathon and want to do this lunacy again) I think we could put more effort into it and really make some $$. McGovern is going to try to set something up at Molly Maguire's so that should be great too.
The unbelievable task of training for and running a marathon AND raising money for brain tumors - which everyone already knows or quickly learned that is a situation that Chris & I were thrown into 4 years ago - is SO SO important to me. This is seriously the biggest thing I've ever done. I'm obsessed with it - I live it, breathe it, eat it, sleep it. And what's amazing to me is that during this time I have learned of the unbelievable support from friends, family, strangers, and people who I haven't spoken to since high school!!! Unfortunately, with be the amazing support also comes some let downs but you know what - that's not my problem, it's theirs.
Until next week which I'm sure will include some serious potty mouth..."Ya Gotta Believe"!!!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Week 12...
Not quite done. A fast moving stomach bug decided to take over my body early Saturday morning.
My week consisted of a few short runs, a power yoga day and a fun run with some of my school kids during their gym class.
My "3rd Child" is an 8th grader and although we had originally made a wager (him improving his attitude with his current teachers if he lost - which he would...or me wearing a "Grandma Golden" sign every day at school - he likes to say I look old which I most certainly do not!)...we decided that we would just run together at a good pace instead of race (I let him off the hook after he was reminded that I have been marathon training). Plus - our "race" was an endurance one since last year he beat me easy in a sprint - although I like to blame it on the flip flops I had on. We ran just under 1.5 miles then I did sit-ups with the rest of the class. I have to say...1. situps are NOT the same as crunches - they are hard! 2. Mid-day short runs are an awesome stress reliever.
Friday night I had a weird pain in my side but I just figured it was sore from the sit-ups. Saturday morning was fine - had my coffee, started laundry, etc. Took another sip of luke warm coffee and a funny taste lingered in my mouth. My belly also started to feel "sloshy". I ate some toast and went out to run a quick errand....where the nausea increased. I spent the rest of the day in the bathroom or laying on the couch FREEZING despite the many layers I had on (Although I did not actually have a fever!). It wasn't fun. And it was even worse when I started to feel a little better around 8pm....to then deal with my daughter puking from 9pm-12:30am. Oddly - we both woke up totally fine.
I am being smart though and skipping what should be a 12 mile long run this weekend. I'm totally dehydrated and run-down. I can't imagine going a mile without it knocking me out. But it makes me nervous that missing this long run is going to set me back.
I'm definitely looking forward to the many miles coming up during the week...and a 20 miler next Saturday morning. AND a fundraiser next Saturday night at Crossroads in Garwood - if you're in the area, come on by for great live music and a 50/50 raffle!
My week consisted of a few short runs, a power yoga day and a fun run with some of my school kids during their gym class.
My "3rd Child" is an 8th grader and although we had originally made a wager (him improving his attitude with his current teachers if he lost - which he would...or me wearing a "Grandma Golden" sign every day at school - he likes to say I look old which I most certainly do not!)...we decided that we would just run together at a good pace instead of race (I let him off the hook after he was reminded that I have been marathon training). Plus - our "race" was an endurance one since last year he beat me easy in a sprint - although I like to blame it on the flip flops I had on. We ran just under 1.5 miles then I did sit-ups with the rest of the class. I have to say...1. situps are NOT the same as crunches - they are hard! 2. Mid-day short runs are an awesome stress reliever.
Friday night I had a weird pain in my side but I just figured it was sore from the sit-ups. Saturday morning was fine - had my coffee, started laundry, etc. Took another sip of luke warm coffee and a funny taste lingered in my mouth. My belly also started to feel "sloshy". I ate some toast and went out to run a quick errand....where the nausea increased. I spent the rest of the day in the bathroom or laying on the couch FREEZING despite the many layers I had on (Although I did not actually have a fever!). It wasn't fun. And it was even worse when I started to feel a little better around 8pm....to then deal with my daughter puking from 9pm-12:30am. Oddly - we both woke up totally fine.
I am being smart though and skipping what should be a 12 mile long run this weekend. I'm totally dehydrated and run-down. I can't imagine going a mile without it knocking me out. But it makes me nervous that missing this long run is going to set me back.
I'm definitely looking forward to the many miles coming up during the week...and a 20 miler next Saturday morning. AND a fundraiser next Saturday night at Crossroads in Garwood - if you're in the area, come on by for great live music and a 50/50 raffle!
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