Forgive my ADD but I have some things on my mind.
Tomorrow my mom runs the NYC Marathon. I'm very excited for her and I'm excited to go cheer her on. It's been a few years since I went as a spectator - which is what inspired me to sign up and start training years ago.
I have pretty much zero interest in running these days. There is part of me though that wonders if tomorrow will spark something in me. Not sure. Retail therapy didn't work but maybe this will.
I've put a ton of time thinking about running and thinking about why I've lost interest. I think it comes down to the fact that I never got better at it. It was always a struggle. And although I know that 26.2 is quite an accomplishment, I'm tired of doing something I clearly suck at as well as something that never got ANY easier.
It's not just that though. It's that coupled with the fact that my life is relentless. All I do is do, do, do for everyone - leaving basically no time for myself. The time that I can manage to find for myself or squeeze in for myself, do I really want to spend it doing something that frustrates and makes me feel like shit? Yet at the same time, physically I like what running does for me.
I really don't know.
Friday nights I go out for me. I'm aware that there are some people who privately judge me on this. How can she go out when her husband is in the situation that he's in? Before I say Fuck You to you - let me enlighten you. Every single awake hour I spend taking care of my children, my husband, my elderly dog, my students. I am a caretaker, a cheerleader, an organizer, a shitty chef, a maid, a nurse, a teacher, a physical therapist, a psychotherapist, a dry cleaner, a patient advocate, a bill payer, an errand runner and a pharmacist. I dream of all this shit too. I wake up sometimes and for half a second or so I remember that things are not normal in my life. I cry. I pull my shit together and begin the daily process all over again. So Fuck You if you have the nerve to think for a second that I shouldn't take 2-3 hours a week to be MYSELF. I triple dog dare you to come here for a week. I could use a break so I welcome you to give it a try. I'd like to see if you're not checking yourself in to a mental institution by the end of just one week. Give me a call and we'll coordinate our calendars - oh yeah, that's another thing I am, a master coordinator.
ANYWAY - I'm curious if I'm inspired tomorrow while I cheer on my mom, my friend and about 50,000 or so other runners. I have guaranteed entry for next year - so I either need to catch the running bug or forfeit my last guaranteed entry.
I'm off to now make our cheering signs (because I'm also a project director) and go to the boardwalk for some skeeball (because I am also the one to maintain normalcy for my children every.damn.day).
